A Night at the Coliseum

ADAM, ALI, SAM, JEFF after a concert at Nassau Coliseum. They are leaving the lobby after a shopping spree at the merchandise table.

 

JEFF

How many t-shirts can you possibly wear?

 

SAM

My dad gave me cash. I\’ve never given him change before, so.

 

ALI

Now you have more than Kate Pilson. I didn\’t think that was possible.

 

ADAM

Guys, I am totally still stoned.

 

JEFF

Your dad\’s pot is like, exceptional.

 

SAM

Is that the same stuff you brought on Saturday? I was still high the next day.

 

ADAM

It is. He must have had like a pound of it. I just pinched like a little off the top.

 

JEFF

Man, he won\’t even notice when we take some. And we\’ll never have to buy that seedy shit from Mikey Giordano again.

 

ALI

Mikey didn\’t even remember me the last the time I called him. And I buy like a lot. My sister shares with like the whole senior class.

 

ADAM

Yeah, I worry about him, though. Like there\’s more people coming to the house and stuff.

 

SAM

Ali, do you still have the hand sanitizer?

 

Ali pulls the bottle from her pocket and hands it to her.

 

ALI

Why does your mom have so much hand sanitizer in her car?

 

ADAM

She\’s a germ freak. You should see her purse – she\’s like a traveling pharmacy. Have a headache? No problem. Allergy? Coming right up.

 

JEFF

And all of those vitamins on your kitchen table. Doesn\’t Diane make you guys take them every day?

 

ADAM

Vitamin B6. B12. C. D. E, which are like these huge honey capsules. Folic acid. Calcium. Iron. Zinc. I should never get sick.

 

SAM

Didn\’t Mrs. Garcia say that vitamins are like placebos? And the people who need them don\’t get them? And the people who take them don\’t need them?

 

ADAM

Yeah, well, don\’t tell my mom that. Unless you want to debate with her for forty-five minutes about what Dr. Atkins personally told her.

 

ALI

I really like this stuff. It makes my hands feel squeaky and sticky at the same time.

 

SAM

It feels like the slime my little brother used to play with. He put it in my hair once and my mom had to cut it out.

 

JEFF

Have you guys ever drank it?

 

ALI

What do you mean?

 

JEFF

It\’s 70% alcohol.

 

SAM

But what about the other ingredients?

 

ALI (reading the bottle)

Yeah, I don\’t think consuming glycerin and acetate and acylate crosspolymer, whatever that is, is a good idea.

 

JEFF

I bet it would get you drunk though. Dare me to drink it?

 

ADAM

Not before we get into my mom\’s car. You can puke somewhere else.

 

ALI

I still can\’t believe your dad let you take your mom\’s car after what happened last time.

 

ADAM

I sort of asked my mom when he was sleeping. Wait. Is this the side we parked on?

 

JEFF

This is where we came in.

 

ALI

I think it was on the other side.

 

SAM

What number was it?

 

JEFF

We can\’t go back in.

 

ALI

We can go around.

 

SAM

But what number was it?

 

ADAM

I don\’t remember. Do any of you remember?

 

JEFF

I remember how smoky the car was.

 

ALI

Let\’s just go around.

 

JEFF

I think this is the right side.

 

ALI

No, because I don\’t remember seeing that sign.

 

JEFF

That sign\’s on all four sides. I\’ve been here for Islanders\’ games. My dad\’s company has a box.

 

SAM

Do we seriously not remember?

 

ALI

We can just wait for everyone to leave, and then we\’ll see the car.

 

SAM

I do not like that idea. Do we really not remember where the car is?

 

ADAM

I don\’t remember any of this. I think we\’re on the other side.

 

ALI

That\’s what I\’ve been saying.

 

JEFF

It\’s better to walk than just stand here.

 

SAM

But which way should we walk?

 

JEFF

It\’s a circle. We\’ll get to the same place either direction.

 

ADAM

I think we were right in the middle of a row

 

SAM

That narrows it down.

 

JEFF

Don\’t panic.

 

SAM

Are you listening to Ali?

 

ALI

Let\’s just walk this way.

 

JEFF

The cops are so concerned about where everyone parks when we get here, but now it\’s like a free-for-all for the exits.

 

SAM

It\’s Sunday night. Everyone wants to get home.

 

ALI

Do we have to go to school tomorrow?

 

SAM

My mom would write me a note.

 

ADAM

We have band at 7 am. Mr. Johnson\’ll freak if we\’re not there.

 

JEFF

Shit, I forgot about that.

 

SAM

We\’ll be fine. It\’ll be faster getting home than it was getting here.

 

ALI

Don\’t speed. Please let\’s not get stopped.

 

SAM

How long does that stay in your system?

 

ADAM

As long as they can\’t smell it on you, or you\’re not acting stupid, you\’re fine.

 

JEFF

There\’s the car!

 

SAM

Thank god.

 

ALI

I was right. Why didn\’t anyone listen to me?

 

ADAM

I was totally panicking that it got towed.

 

ALI

I was totally panicking. Like who are we going to call? Your dad? My mom? She didn\’t want me to come because she\’s afraid of drunk drivers on Long Island.

 

SAM

Isn\’t that what happened last time, Adam? You just got there and your car was gone? I was like how can this happen again?

 

ADAM

No. I parked by Eddie\’s apartment, and we went out. We got really drunk. First, we went to a party at his school, and then everyone went to this bar. And it was like two or three in the morning, and we were walking back, and I was like dizzy and sort of swaying down the sidewalk, and I didn\’t even notice anything, until Eddie said, isn\’t that where you parked your car? And I was looking at this other car on the street, and I wasn\’t really understanding. And he was like, your car is gone. Someone stole your car. And it hit me. This was my mom\’s car and she had to go to work in the morning, and it was gone. And we didn\’t know what to do, so we went inside and we called the police. And they were like, what\’s the address, and we told them, and they said it probably got towed. Call the towing company. So we call them and they\’re like yeah, bring two hundred dollars cash and you can have your car back. And we were like What? Why did you tow our car? And the guy is laughing, and he says Diplomat spot. You parked in diplomatic parking. So we go back outside, and there\’s a sign right there that says Diplomat Parking only and the car parked there has a Diplomat license plate.

 

ALI

You didn\’t see the sign?

 

ADAM

I guess not. So I have to call my mother at three in the morning and tell her I need two hundred dollars and she has to come get the car and I can\’t drive back because I\’m drunk.

 

JEFF

And your dad answers the phone.

 

SAM

No!

 

ADAM

Yeah. He just asks if I\’m at Eddie\’s and says he\’s on his way, and he hangs up. And an hour later, the phone rings, and we\’re sitting there trying to get sober like with pizza and coke, and he says he\’s outside, and he drives me to the towing place, and hands me the cash, and I go in. Then when they bring the car around, he says, see you home, and he drives away.

 

ALI

Shit. When they\’re silent, that\’s like so pissed they can\’t talk.

 

ADAM

He never mentioned it again. Never said a word. My mom told me I owed them two hundred bucks, which I thought was fair and also unfair.

 

SAM

And your father never talked about it?

 

ADAM

Never. Like it didn\’t happen.

 

The four of them are standing by the car.

 

JEFF

Adam?

 

ADAM

What?

 

JEFF

Do you have your keys?

 

ADAM

Yeah, why?

 

JEFF

Because there are keys hanging from the ignition in your car.

 

ALI

The doors are locked.

 

ADAM

Those are my keys.

 

JEFF

I thought they were.

 

SAM

This is like a bad dream.

 

JEFF

We can do this. We just need a hanger.

 

ALI

We\’re in a deserted parking lot. Almost everyone\’s gone.

 

JEFF

There\’s got to be someone still inside the building.

 

SAM

They\’re not going to have a hanger. And we can\’t get in. It\’s locked up.

 

ADAM

There\’s cops everywhere. Don\’t they have those things? Those cop things?

 

JEFF

Slim jim. My uncle showed me how to use one.

  

ALI

So can you get the keys out?

 

JEFF

If I had a slim jim, I could.

 

ADAM

So we have to find a cop.

 

ALI

There were literally like everywhere, and now I don\’t see any.

 

SAM

Out by the street. Over there.

 

JEFF

I\’ll walk over. You guys stay here.

 

SAM

I\’m cold. And hungry.

 

ALI

Let\’s sit on the car.

 

ADAM

Oh man, I can\’t believe this.

 

SAM

It\’s not your fault. You left the keys in so we could listen to music.

 

ALI

Although how did you lock the door?

 

ADAM

It locks automatically. My dad hates it.

 

SAM

Where\’s that music coming from?

 

ALI

It\’s those guys over there. They\’re having a tail gate.

 

SAM

I saw them before.

 

ALI

Maybe they\’ve been there the entire time and never went to the concert.

 

SAM

Maybe they have food.

 

ADAM

I can stay here if you guys want to go over.

 

ALI

You don\’t mind?

 

ADAM

No, it\’s okay.

 

SAM

We\’ll bring you food if they have any.

 

They leave. Beat. JEFF returns with a cop.

 

COP

What seems to be the problem?

 

ADAM

Uh, I locked my keys in the car.

 

The cop examines the car, checks the locks, looks in the windows.

 

JEFF

Where are the girls?

 

ADAM

They went over to those people there.

 

JEFF

What are they doing?

 

ADAM

I think they\’re dancing.

 

JEFF

Why would they be – ? Oh, man, you\’re right. Wow. Ali\’s a really good dancer. I wish we had some tunes.

 

COP

Sorry, I can\’t help you boys. You need a locksmith.

 

JEFF

Don\’t you have a slim jim?

 

Cop

Won\’t work on these new cars. Also they\’re likely to tear up your weather stripping and could break the window. Department doesn\’t want the liability.

 

ADAM

So what are we supposed to do?

 

COP

Call a locksmith.

 

ADAM

It\’s Sunday night. And there are no phones.

 

COP

There\’s phones at the gas station over there. And the phonebook\’ll have some 24 hour places. They\’ll be out here in an hour or two.

 

ADAM

Oh man man man.

 

JEFF

Thanks anyway.

 

ADAM

Yeah, thank you.

 

Cop drives away. Girls come back, twirling roses in their hands.

 

SAM

Is it open?

 

ADAM

We have to call a locksmith. Did those guys give you flowers?

 

SAM

They didn\’t have any food. But they showed us tango. You put the rose in your teeth like this.

 

ALI

Guys! How are we going to find a locksmith?

 

 

SAM

It\’s really sexy. (She demonstrates.)

 

JEFF

We have to call right now. It\’s going to take hours.

 

ALI

It\’s already eleven o\’clock. We won\’t get home until two or three. If they even come.

 

SAM

Wait, do you guys have money? I don\’t have any more money.

 

They all check their pockets.

 

JEFF

I have maybe twenty bucks.

 

ALI

I have some.

 

ADAM

I have about twenty.

 

JEFF

You have any change for the phone?

 

ADAM

Yeah, in the glove …. no.

 

ALI

I didn\’t bring my purse.

 

SAM

I have change. (She hands it to ADAM.)

 

Beat. ADAM walks offstage. JEFF, ALI and SAM sitting on the ground in the parking lot, next to the locked car.

 

JEFF

It feels like we\’re the only people in the world. I didn\’t see anyone come out of the building, but it\’s totally dark. Do they park underground or something?

 

ALI

They probably go out on the other side.

  

SAM

I\’m worried about Adam. I think he\’s freaking out. Like since he got off the phone. Have you guys noticed? Why is he walking so HARD?

 

JEFF

I just don\’t understand how all the locksmiths have a three hour time window and a $150 emergency fee. Who has that on them when they\’re locked out of their car? And when does someone call a locksmith except in an emergency?

 

ALI

It\’s like they\’re extorting you. Like you ask how much is it, and they say how much do you have? I can\’t believe the police wouldn\’t help us.

 

SAM

What if Adam disappears behind the building and doesn\’t come back? How is this not a classic horror movie? It\’s the middle of the night, we\’re alone in a parking lot, outside a huge abandoned building, waiting to be rescued, but the audience knows that we\’ll all be dead by the time help arrives.

 

ALI

Sam, stop it.

 

JEFF

And it\’s the help that\’s the killer. You think they\’re going to be saved, but then the door opens, and there\’s the hockey mask. And as your eyes process what you\’re seeing, you see feet protruding from the backseat and you realize it\’s Adam.

 

ALI

You guys are horrible. This whole night feels like a nightmare. Like it was all so good and then it all turned out so bad. Oh my god, here comes Adam. He\’s fine.

 

ADAM

Hey guys. Any sign?

 

SAM

We\’re just staring at the headlights on the highway, waiting for one to pull off the exit.

 

ALI

They thought you were dead. They\’re trying to scare me.

 

ADAM

Well, I\’d hold judgment until you see whether I show up for school tomorrow.

 

ALI

What if he makes you get in the car with him and Jeff has to drive us home?

 

JEFF

I don\’t think he\’d trust me to drive Diane\’s new car.

 

SAM

Does he know about your car blowing up last summer?

 

JEFF

Well, it was more of a fire, but yeah, he came with my dad to pick us up.

 

ALI

It wasn\’t your fault.

 

ADAM

As if parents ever thought like that. I\’ll give him another chance, that could\’ve happened to anyone! Right.

 

SAM

What if he finds out you guys take his pot?

 

ADAM

That\’s not even like a circumstance I could imagine.

 

ALI

Do you think your dad has ever killed anyone?

 

ADAM

No! You\’ve met him.

 

SAM

He does have a dark side.

 

ADAM

I mean, when I was a kid, he like almost beat the shit out of this camp counselor who harassed me. Like he had to be held back.

 

JEFF

That\’s different. Your dad is like cool. He\’s a stoner who watches sports. He still has his high school clarinet.

 

ALI

But nobody\’s a killer until they kill someone.

 

ADAM

What are you saying? He makes dad jokes. He flirts with the girls.

 

 

SAM

Is that him?

 

JEFF

Where?

 

SAM

That light. On the ramp. I think it blinked at us.

 

ALI

Can he see us from there?

 

JEFF

We\’re like an open target.

 

SAM

Adam, are you scared?

 

ALI

He wouldn\’t do anything with us like here, right?

 

ADAM

Stop it. You\’re all freaking me out.

 

SAM

It\’s him. That\’s his car.

 

ALI

Why is he driving so slowly?

 

JEFF

Does your dad have a gun?

 

ADAM

No, he does not have a gun. Guys, shut up. Just be cool.

 

They all line up as the car pulls up, the girls visibly standing a step or two behind the boys. Adam leans down.

 

ADAM

Um. Hi, Dad.

 

Curtain.