So Like A Walrus Blue

ONE: LIFTOFF

write it dear, it’s never going to affect me / i have this urge to clean my ear / around eleven what time is it / right behind you is the bath tub / god can you not put that smell so close to me

they’re thinking / they’re speaking softer than normal / hunter s. thompson said you can’t write on acid / jen is suspicious / it’s blatantly obvious / what colour is this pen / i think it’s blue / i like blue

twelve is coming over to smoke pot / jon is mellow and mike is working on being very drunk / we need to go to 16 / i am acting conspicuous

fluorescent / i can still spell / i’m a news reporter: everyone’s on roller skates!

he’s only a second year / you must apologise / you can ask her if she peed with you at home / drums drums drums / i’m trying to write as if i’m straight but i’m not / there are so many colours and shadows / i’m in a yellow blue orange circus

rachel and sophi are being innocuous / talking talking non stop / they sound logical and analytical / i’m a blonde bitch talking / rachel says she’s having totally random thoughts / someone slips by fast with a cape / how could you fuck him?  / he’s beautiful in such a beautiful abstract way / he’s a superhero / he never stops moving / it’s all a blur

they’re talking about tripping / sophi wants to know who’s banging / i want a cigarette but i’m scared that if i stop writing i won’t be able to start again / a soundtrack for a posse coming at us / bright colours like police lights flashing in front of my eyes / they’re talking about stars on jen’s butt 

that is really perfect / though sophi just said jen had a big butt / i must never show this to anyone / but rachel’s face in there was like death / a 47 year old man / even when we’re not on drugs/ sophi says all of a sudden / veins and faces fifty year old woman / 47 year old man / is it the face that i’m wearing / suit jacket / i am in a motion picture / rachel says i love watching greg write

sophi’s face feels (?) to her / she wants water but everytime we go in / isn’t it the way of the world / what does satiated saturated / i’m full of szechuan food satiated / i just shook like a dog / rachel says is that indian / sophi says it’s just hippie fake leather/ real leather / get your foot off me / you’re no fun / the star went up her butt / they’re obsessed with this / listen i put one here and i put one here and i would put one there if i was sticking stars up / they’re quoting castle / sophi is being herself / rachel can’t draw on the wall / will i get into trouble? / will this ever stop? / i hope not. 

did he catch up yet / if they don’t stop talking i’ll never finish / i just need a minute / when i write i feel clear headed but blue is flashing in my eyes / i’m shaking because it’s cold / sophi and rachel are experiencing / i am writing which is more important / i’m going to go and experience flashing lights.

that was a conscious decision to stop now.

i’ll go off with the girls / bells ringing / flashing / i can’t stop / i must /

here.

i lay my pen down

i stop now.

TWO: LULL

i think it’s time to write again / i just took another hit / it’s twelve fifteen / i want salt and sugar and safety / i don’t want safety but yet i wrote that / why is bozo on the phone / bozo on the phone / something is going to happen with this picture / every time i start writing it’s flashing lights yellow and blue / this is like TV / everyone is asking if i think it’s like a movie / i hope / i just doubled my excitements / rachel wants to go / we’re in the girls bathroom / it’s all blue in here / BLUE it is  / an exclamation point of blue!  / toilet paper  / why are we here?  / we’re peeing and blowing our noses because it’s cold outside / but i was outside and i wasn’t cold.

THREE: SO LIKE A WALRUS TO COME ROUND

these are the people
that make the colours

i’m feeling very distanced
people can see what i’m writing
adam and brett and jakki and jon

i made a connection
i felt like i needed to write that down
i don’t want to forget this music
this is it
this is the music of
COLOURS

as long as nobody expects me to talk
there are pink girls on
roller skates

it’s all SAFE

we’re on the library
steps and they’re
dancing in a circle

whose handwriting is this?
i don’t understand
any of this!

don’t waste space, pink girls!

and coloured lights coloured lights music	it’s the new radiant BLUE storm kings on the library steps it’s late at night we’re all here i’m writing NOT SO
but right now it feels right and that’s right	INNOCUOUSLY and i’m wasting paper i’ll regret wasting all of this paper

the thing that makes anything permanent is this
this pen makes things permanent so i can remember what i am thinking now.
and how everything is so clear
how different we all are and how none of this

matters at all
this is what we’re saying right now
is this what we want to remember?

and why do we want to remember anything?

FOUR: PRIVACY

everything is still turning into technicolour and blazing hazing wonderful things / but now these are wonderful things for me and only for me / i am alone / i am in the hallway and i have a graham cracker and a beer and my orange and my blue / my blue was everywhere for me / i came out tonight and claimed me / tomorrow everything will be the same to everyone and the same to me except no / it will be different for me because i have altered realities / i have changed my own mindset and i am the writer / and these things that are very private i’m trying to make public but i can’t because they’re private in my mind

we’re all different!
no one can know who
i am

this is what has become
crystal clear

even if i forget everything
else, all these very
important and unoriginal
thoughts i’m having tonight
i want to remember this:

i am me
and i will always be me

right now i am being public outside of my private room but they will never be in my mind
and i don’t know what i was expecting
some miracle

these are things i can’t tell anyone!

no one will ever be able to get into my mind the way i am now
see what i am seeing now

i want communication without words

but then, if i choose to forsake language, then i’m totally lost

no one will be able to connect to me
i will not be able to connect to anyone
this is scary

is this what it all means?
i am lost inside my insane mind!
i’m lost in here looking for something that doesn’t exist.
i am going crazy.
really truly crazy. 

where am i?
i am sitting outside my room. 

i’m going inside now