Madness

(DONNA is on the hot line at a busy restaurant where she normally is the general manager.)

MAN

(Entering)

Order In!  One trout almondine. One stuffed franzetti. Two lobster parfaits. Looking sharp in those chef whites today, Donna. (Exits.)

DONNA

Franzetti?  What is that?  Is it on the menu?  Wait, we never got the fish order. Wait!  86 trout!  86 fish! And lobster is cold line. Is lobster a fish?  Did service start already?  Come back!

WOMAN

(Entering)

Donna, I need you to step it up. We’re getting two tour buses in five minutes. Some church group from Indiana. Lots of kids. (Exits.)

DONNA

(while MAN and WOMAN enter and crowd on either side of her)

Kids?  Tour buses?  When did we start taking reservations?  Why am I in the back of the house?  Why am I wearing chef’s whites?  What’s going on?

MAN

Hey, watch it, sister. Stay in your station. Your bony elbows are creeping into my space.

DONNA

I’m sorry, this is all very unfamiliar.

WOMAN

Did you prep any more pork?  Or are you still a vegetarian?

DONNA

I– I don’t think I prepped anything. I don’t know how to prep pork.

MAN

Your burners are cold. How are you going to sauté the fatback?  Your oven hasn’t even been preheated.

WOMAN

You’re not wiping your plates. Your station is swimming in food detritus. Where’s your rag?  Where are your tongs?

DONNA

I thought they were in my apron. But I’m not wearing an apron.

MAN

Salt isn’t just for flavor; it’s nature’s way to make meat pop.  Don’t be afraid of it.

WOMAN

If your knives aren’t razor sharp, how are you going to de-bone the meat for the stuffing?

DONNA

I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m doing here. (MAN exits.)

WOMAN

Your mise en place is completely empty. Nothing sliced, nothing chopped, not even parsley garnish!  What were you doing during prep?  What’s wrong with you?  Didn’t I raise you right?  Where did I go wrong?

DONNA

Mom?

WOMAN

You always took me for granted. You never thought about me while you ran around with your friends. Now you miss me, don’t you?  When it’s too late!

DONNA

Mom, what are you doing here?

WOMAN

What are you doing here, Donna?  You’re the general manager, not the line cook!  You’re supposed to be taking care of your family. (Exits.)

DONNA

I don’t have a family. We talk about it, but we haven’t made any decisions yet. We haven’t even decided if we’re going to get married. (MAN enters).

MAN

Mom?

DONNA

Who are you?  Whose child are you?  Who do you belong to?

MAN

Mom, you’re silly. You’re my mom.

DONNA

But I don’t have any children.

MAN

Mommy, you have me. And Abby. And Persephone.

DONNA

I have three children?  Persephone?  I named my daughter after the queen of the underworld?

WOMAN

(entering)

Excuse me!  Excuse me!  I’m from Elm Street Elementary.

MAN

Mom, don’t rat us out.

DONNA

What?  She’s from where?

MAN

Mom, that’s Principal Martin.

DONNA

What did you guys do?

WOMAN

Excuse me, Mrs. Franzetti. Your children were absent from school today without any justification.

DONNA

Mrs. Franzetti?

WOMAN

You’ve left us with no choice, I’m afraid. Pursuant to regulations, the sufficiency of receipt you have previously acknowledged, your children will be sold.

DONNA

The sufficiency of what?

MAN

Mom, they can’t do that!

DONNA

No, of course they can’t. You can’t sell a child. (MAN exits.)

WOMAN

Now, Donna, we could invoke the consequences you agreed to when you stole my car in the eighth grade. A legacy that was never fulfilled.

DONNA

Mom?  We moved past that. I grew up! (MAN enters.)

MAN

Donna, wake up.

DONNA

I know you never got to see me as an adult, but I’ve worked through all of this. Why are you coming back now?  And who are these children?

WOMAN

You’ve always preferred living in your head, Donna. But the world plays on despite your attempts to hide behind a facade of happiness. Wake up and smell the coffee. (WOMAN exits.)

MAN

Donna, wake up.

DONNA

Oh!  Oh!  Where am I?  Oh thank God it’s you. I had a horrible dream.

MAN

Donna, there’s been a terrible accident. I– I can’t bear to tell you.

DONNA

What?  What happened?

MAN

I can’t say it. Your mom–  She took, she took the kids out for–  Out for breakfast early this morning, and–

DONNA

What?

MAN

She must have hit a patch of ice. They’re not sure.

DONNA

What are you talking about?

MAN

They didn’t feel a thing, Donna.

DONNA

Who?  Who didn’t feel a thing?

MAN

Donna, I know this is hard to hear. But this is real. Listen to me.

DONNA

No, Andrew, it’s not real. None of this is real. I think I’m going crazy.

MAN

Andrew?

DONNA

What?

MAN

Who’s Andrew?

DONNA

You. You’re Andrew.

MAN

I’m. . . Brian. Your husband? 

DONNA

I’m not married!  I thought you were Andrew! (WOMAN enters.)

WOMAN

Donna, they’ve completed the procedure. You can go in now. (MAN exits)

DONNA

What procedure?

WOMAN

Don’t you remember?  The taxidermist?  You’re stuffing your children?

DONNA

I’m whating my what?

WOMAN

Don’t worry. Everyone is chilled to the bone when they first see them. But you ordered our top shelf package. They’ll look perfectly lifelike!

DONNA

Help!  Please!  Someone please help me!

WOMAN

You don’t have buyer’s remorse, do you?  We’ve already killed them.

DONNA

I wish I was in the restaurant again!  Please, put me back in the restaurant. (MAN enters.)

MAN

Order In!  Three orders of stuffed franzetti, Mrs. Franzetti. Three orders. Get it?  Get it?